I’ve been struggling to write, hitting the backspace key more often than I would like in these past few days. Scribbling one word over another on my notepad until the ink imprints itself on the next page. And it is not because I can’t figure out what to think about anything but just because my thoughts and views are profuse. Sometimes I can’t find the right words, nothing seems to satisfy me. Nothing fits my discernment no matter how clearly I seem to have perceived it. And I end up writing nothing.
Nothing- it is a melee of shattered glass. With every word you fail to put in its right place, a seemingly good sentence shatters itself into a million tiny pieces and before you know it, there’s a pile of it on the prescient paper which knew the fate of your words before you even picked up the pen. And I can either believe all of it, or none of it. But I am a believer when I’m writing. I have to be. Otherwise I’m as good as a blank paper.
But a blank page is one I can’t do without, a blank screen is one I sit in front of, to mull over an event which led me to another event which led me to a “spiritual epiphany”; and then I start to write, but I find it hard to write without a syntax which conveys the sense of each word without seeming deceptive. And for my wanting a clearer meaning for my otherwise confusing syntax, I ultimately end up writing nothing again.
But I’ve come to find that nothingness is seductive, as it has meaning without words. But then again, if that was the case, I’ve got only nothingness in my mind.
This bulwark of protection has to be broken down since I don’t want to be consumed by nothingness under the impression that it is something after all. Because it isn’t; it is just a chimera.
So you let the rejected words dry, you let the shattered pieces heal. For afterwards, they become something of their own. You believe that they do. And that you must forego the ambition of writing nothing. And that you must accept everything, as it is.
Because at the end of the day, a fractured syntax isn’t as bad as it may seem. 🙂