Holding on and letting go.

I’ve learnt that in a sum that coheres, I owe everything that I am, to myself. I may have glutted myself on opinions that didn’t matter, impertinent debates that slewed into oblivion, and small talks that always ran into a ditch – all this and several spurious manifestations with which I had begun to become familiar with, came sporadically and in pieces.

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I have decided to step back to look at the bigger picture. I don’t want to contract into tiny pixels, as and when different situations present themselves to me. I want to become one person, from sundown to sundown.

Of late, I’ve been playing myself in a role that I never knowingly assigned to myself. It’s something that I took up as I went along the way, to fit into the second best thing; which was really the distorted version of the very best thing that I could’ve wanted for myself. But I’ve realized that the second best thing for me is the worst thing, as it is not me. And if I continue being on the same path, I will contrive a big crisis upon myself.

I know for a fact that we all have varied aspirations which certainly do not have a common denominator; but what they do have in common is the quality and the dignity. And when I say that I wanted the very best thing, I do not mean it in an absolute sense, since we don’t live in a utopia. I mean it in a sense which entails my very limitations, and my knowledge of them, calculated and sorted.

So, I refuse to rush with the flow.

I have decided to take a few steps back to come back to where I really belong. For I have found a sense of satisfaction in remaining still and observing more than I could ever comprehend; before leaving it all to dust. I have found happiness in going in depth about a subject than rushing through it for the sake of the exam. I have learnt that being responsible is difficult, when absconding responsibility and getting rid of it, isn’t. I’ve learnt that I will have to deal with a lot of nonsense from whippersnappers, and that I’ll find it difficult to stay calm.

But stepping back has made me realize, where life truly resides- in the broadened horizons of a child, for whom, anything is possible. Life resides in the guilt of wrongdoing, the insecurities and the fears; it resides in the lowest of lows and highest of highs.

And as far as the second best thing goes, I would describe it as an aberration from my main goal. Because I believe in holding on, before I really have to let go. 🙂

And trust me, holding on is always the better option, until it’s an age old notion which does nobody any good; then you should really learn how to let go.

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Middle of nowhere.

Without any warning, the car angled off of a smooth floor to an uneven bumpy rough terrain, Chris’s grip on the steering wheel tightened. After suffering the bumps for a while, it stopped. Holly looked at Chris, wide eyed, not knowing where he was taking her. His grip on the steering wheel loosened, he turned towards Holly and smiled.

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“We’re almost there.” He said. His eyes were again on the rough road ahead.

Holly sighed for the billionth time, being the most impatient person in the car out of the two of them.

“I just hope you’re not taking me to the middle of nowhere, Chris. I don’t enjoy visiting places without a purpose.” She said, her head now resting on the window.

“Boy! Aren’t you grumpy today?” He teased

“Chris!” She frowned.

The sun was now setting down and it looked so much larger from where they were, the yellow light was slowly blending into orange and red. They were slowing moving ahead, as if towards the sun, which was very soothing to watch. And with the windows pulled down, the air around them was also quite warm.

Holly suddenly wanted Chris to drive slower, so they never reach where they intended to reach. But these were just thoughts swimming in and out of her head, keeping her awake, when she just wanted to cuddle up in this newfound warmth.

Chris nudged her when he noticed that she was falling asleep, she turns towards him to find him pointing to the front of the car.

“It’s a candy to the eye.”  She said.

Holly could see the gorgeous hills, crisp and clear, truly breathtaking.

“You think?” He raised his eyebrows at her.

She rolled her eyes at him, “Yes, Chris. And I’ll forever be obliged to you.”

They both laughed. They knew she was bad at the comebacks. And it was alright.

The car came to a stop at a spot. She climbs out of the car and realizes that they really were in the middle of nowhere, with the hills in far sight, she was just standing on a rough dirty ground.

Even though she could spend the whole evening gazing at the hills turning dark, she knew there had to be more to this place. Since this was Chris’s “special place”.

“Chris, aren’t you coming now?” She called out to him.

“I’ll be there in a moment, with my favourite killing knife.”

“I’ve got mace in my purse, Chris, try me.”

He laughed through his nose, shaking his head.

After a while Chris joined Holly and they both started walking towards a low terrain, a quiet excitement was now engulfing Holly, and as soon as they reached its end, she came to a halt.

“It is just like the movies.” She was sure she was smiling her widest, her eyes absorbing the view.

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They could see the whole city from that place. All the buildings, the city lights, all the vehicles, the stadium, everything appeared so small yet looked so beautiful. Under their feet and over their head, big or small, this was their world.

“I used to come here a lot. When you’re in the city, you feel overburdened with it all, the buildings, the people, the vehicles- everything seems to get to you every once in a while. But when you come up here, it all appears so small, you know. Up here, you’re part of something much greater that the city does not seem so suffocating. And somewhere you learn to appreciate it all.”

She grabs his hand and squeezes it, “I didn’t know it was suffocating down there, until I came up here, Chris.”

He laughs, “Sorry, but I guess we’re both at the same page now, aren’t we?”

“We sure are.” Holly said.