I’ve learnt that in a sum that coheres, I owe everything that I am, to myself. I may have glutted myself on opinions that didn’t matter, impertinent debates that slewed into oblivion, and small talks that always ran into a ditch – all this and several spurious manifestations with which I had begun to become familiar with, came sporadically and in pieces.
I have decided to step back to look at the bigger picture. I don’t want to contract into tiny pixels, as and when different situations present themselves to me. I want to become one person, from sundown to sundown.
Of late, I’ve been playing myself in a role that I never knowingly assigned to myself. It’s something that I took up as I went along the way, to fit into the second best thing; which was really the distorted version of the very best thing that I could’ve wanted for myself. But I’ve realized that the second best thing for me is the worst thing, as it is not me. And if I continue being on the same path, I will contrive a big crisis upon myself.
I know for a fact that we all have varied aspirations which certainly do not have a common denominator; but what they do have in common is the quality and the dignity. And when I say that I wanted the very best thing, I do not mean it in an absolute sense, since we don’t live in a utopia. I mean it in a sense which entails my very limitations, and my knowledge of them, calculated and sorted.
So, I refuse to rush with the flow.
I have decided to take a few steps back to come back to where I really belong. For I have found a sense of satisfaction in remaining still and observing more than I could ever comprehend; before leaving it all to dust. I have found happiness in going in depth about a subject than rushing through it for the sake of the exam. I have learnt that being responsible is difficult, when absconding responsibility and getting rid of it, isn’t. I’ve learnt that I will have to deal with a lot of nonsense from whippersnappers, and that I’ll find it difficult to stay calm.
But stepping back has made me realize, where life truly resides- in the broadened horizons of a child, for whom, anything is possible. Life resides in the guilt of wrongdoing, the insecurities and the fears; it resides in the lowest of lows and highest of highs.
And as far as the second best thing goes, I would describe it as an aberration from my main goal. Because I believe in holding on, before I really have to let go. 🙂
And trust me, holding on is always the better option, until it’s an age old notion which does nobody any good; then you should really learn how to let go.